tautological casuistry guaranteed

it's fat tuesday tonight...

the guy who runs the event was telling me last week that he'd lined up either simon amstell or russel howard to perform [can't remember which one of the two as i was quite inebriated at this point]¹

am placing a ticket order in about an hours time, gimme a shout if you want in.
you can get them here






1: i cannot guarantee them being there as tiernan told me he'd not made it public knowledge as they'd canceled the previous time he'd booked them...

however, also performing are:

got one ticket spare [£8] if anyone wants.

a few days ago, bbc3 broadcast the pilot for a new sitcom: the site... check it out, it's pretty funny/weird

RICHARD HERRING - THE HEADMASTER'S SON

What's worse than being a podgy, swotty, virginal schoolboy? How about your dad's the headmaster too? For his 24th Edinburgh Show, the star of 'Oh Fuck, I'm 40' dusts off his old diaries, rekindles memories that might best have been left forgotten and picks off scabs from wounds that he thought had healed to discover if he can blame his upbringing for his adult failures.

'Herring is a superior comedian.... hilarious.' The Guardian

'Smart and Effective.' Chortle

JOSIE LONG - ALL OF THE PLANET'S WONDERS (SHOWN IN DETAIL)

This is about the magic of learning and making sense of the world. It's about the little and big things in life. It covers the stars, wildlife, animals and museums, being inspired by books she has read and people she's met along the way.

'Completely Brilliant' Metro

'Delightful' List



Get there early - cocktails are 2-4-1 before 8!

As always these two stonking previews will be Upstairs at The Salmon and Compass, 58 Penton Street, Islington N1 9PZ. Nearest tube is Angel on the Northern Line and there is a lovely map at www.salmonandcompass.com. The bar now serves lovely grub so you can eat before you laff!

Tickets are £6 or £5 concs and show starts at 8.30pm.

who's up for it?

last night's excursion into the surreal saw me living in a building on the edge of some nondescript wasteland.

outside my window was a fence, marking the border between the property and the semi-forested hilly expanse of land that lay beyond it. there were things piled up against the fence in white boxes and even some shelves that had been fastened to it.

i was living in what i presume was some post apocalyptic deserted world; a desolate place with only one or two other people anywhere near me.

i'd been out shooting with one of the guns that had been left by some of the previous tenants of my building. when a man turned up in a car, obviously looking to loot the property... i chased him off, taking pot shots at him as he left.

having vanquished this interloper, i decided to check on the weaponry available to me.

at this point, i woke up.

then, after a short period trying to return to jeamland i was readmitted

the world had changed from being sparsely populated into one that more closely resembled this one. i was at a train station, looking to purchase a lock for my bike before we caught the train.

wandering around the shop in the station which looked like the home-improvement section of a wilkinsons except split over several levels, which was odd given the total floorspace of the shop must've been somewhere between 300 & 500 ft.

i eventually found a shop assistant and asked her where i could find the locks. she took me across the store to where the locks should've been and announced that she'd have to check with the manager as there didn't appear to be any on display.

alexei sayle wandered over and she asked him where the locks were. he said, "we're sold out, but there's one up in the canteen this customer can have. come with me"

so, the shop assistant and myself followed the legendary comedian around the labyrinthine corridors that linked the shop floor to the staff canteen on one of the floors above. on the way, i was attempting to explain to the girl how her boss was one of the founding fathers of alternative comedy and how he'd been the compere for the comedy store.

alexei overheard this and gave me a knowing look as we walked into the canteen. there were a lot of people here. somewhere in the region of 50, which for a small hardware shop inside a station struck me as being so many as to be suspicious.

i followed the undersized suit wearing liverpudlian around the canteen, effectively working our way anticlockwise so that alexei could grab the lock from the kitchen.

whilst waiting for him, i looked out the window onto the scene below us, and well, imagine my surprise when i realised i was looking down at the same fence from my earlier dream.

the shock of this alone was enough to wake me.

fin

---

ps whose number is this 07737 802 403 ?

despite the earlier setbacks, tonight's comedy offering was pretty damned sweet.

after arriving late [my fault] at the wrong tube station [my fault] we got a taxi to hammersmith in good time to grab a place right at the front of the queue.

we sat down, close enough to the stage to hear bill's asthmatic wheezing and to watch each and every glistening bead of sweat that formed on his forehead from inception to brow wiping demise.

but, just before the start of the show, some idiot dropped their phone underneath the tiered seating.

as the show was being recorded, they went and told the usher who was evidently making sure no one attempted to storm the stage and pay impromptu homage to the comedic maestro we were there to see.

so, anyway despite the potential havoc of having an unanswerable phone ringing during the show, bill strolls on stage and begins his show. 5 minutes in, announces that some numpty had dropped their phone under the seats and then asked them to shout out the number so he could call it.

they did, he did... sadly, the phone was on silent.

not particularly funny or noteworthy, i know. but, i do now have bill bailey's number.

other highlights included the assortment of bizarre heckles¹ the best of which was person who gave bill a pint of lager at the start of the show repeatedly insisting that he consumed the beverage.

the tube ride home was interesting, i got befriended by some muppet that insisted on talking shit at me until he got off the train.

1. ie. "nice bush" ; "i'm a vet, i'll have a look at your foot"

still got 2 tickets at my table for stewart lee next tuesday

gonig thus far are

myself, ahura_mazda
natbombat & kai
mildseven & candice

come on, someone's gotta want 'em... they're only £8